The First Thanksgiving - A Transcript

From that famous 1621 feast. Bonus trivia: "I actually don't even really like turkey. Why do we have to have it at Thanksgiving?" was first uttered that same day.

Thanksgiving 1621. The Wampanoag and pilgrims stand around, not knowing what more to say to each other.

Pilgrim 1: Yep.

Silence

Squanto: Weather’s holding up. That’s nice.

Pilgrim 2: Ha ha! That’s so true!

Silence

Pilgrim 3: Kinda taking a while for that turkey bird to cook.

Massassoit: You spatchcock it? The turkey? Spatchcocked it?

Pilgrim 1: Spa-who?

Massassoit: Ah ffs, we have to teach you everything? How did you people survive before us? Did you even eat where you came from?

Squanto: I’m just going to have some sweet potatoes now. I gotta jet. You pilgs put the little marshmallows on those bad boys, right?

Pilgrim 2: Little what?

Massassoit: Jesus Christ! And that name’s the only thing you’ve taught us!

Squanto: Hey, Massassoit. Think we’re going to invent the first Friendsgiving tomorrow so we can actually enjoy a friggin’ meal made correct.

fini